A few weeks ago, I did something I almost never do. I shared some pretty awesome news about my career rather prematurely. I normally share last minute when it comes to realized dreams. I rarely post about the rehearsal process when I’m doing a gig because of FEAR. I’m afraid of getting fired from a gig and I’m also afraid of not being supported. It looks crazy reading it over in print. I’ve never been fired from a gig (at least not that I can remember) and friends and family are normally pretty darn supportive of me.
I realize that these are both major signs of someone dealing with some issues. Brene Brown refers to these moments as “the other shoe dropping”. The whole concept of whoa, there are some pretty awesome things happening right now. I don’t deserve this. Something bad is going to happen and it will all be taken away which will prove the point that I didn’t deserve it in the first place.
Going public initially seemed like a good idea. But then people started liking the post, and commenting , and sharing for other people to like and comment and share and like and comment and share and… Yikes! The jig is up. It took everything in me not to snatch the announcement down, deactivate my account for a few days and just hide because… I have issues…that I’m working on…sometimes.
I tried to reduce the moment in my head. The conversation in my head was not the most uplifting. ” It’s only a few lines , Candice. What if you end up on the cutting room floor? There would be all of this fuss over nothing. Plus, look at the tornadoes going on in the rest of your life. Are you really keeping it “real”? Why don’t you share some of the failures and messiness of life and see how well received that news is?”
THAT girl had to go and THIS girl came in.
” This is huge! Remember when you were auditioning for Claire Simon for the first time since your move to Chicago. You were so nervous then , but 3 years later, honey here you are, booked! So what if you end up on the cutting room floor. You did the work, cashed the check, and enjoyed that delicious brownie turtle cheesecake from craft services.Yummmmm! This is worth celebrating. And yes, life is a mess. You are in the middle of some huge transitions and storms, but we will get through them and be better on the other side. Just because life is messy does not mean it’s devoid of beautiful times like this. Relish in this moment,savor it, celebrate it and allow it AND you to be celebrated. THIS celebration is not because you might not get this moment again, but because THIS IS YOUR MOMENT, and you are worth every ounce of good that comes your way. Take Wings, Candice Jeanine, Take Wings!”
There will be many more conversations between THAT girl and THIS girl, but for right now I’m content to leaveaLOTTAroomforgrace…
Anyone else have an internal war going on? How do those conversations normally end?
Thanks for reading! The episode I filmed should air tonight, Tuesday 10/25/16 at 9pm on NBC’s Chicago Fire with the rest of these beautiful people!