Every year , March rolls around and it’s always a bit different and off -kilter for me . March is the anniversary month of Granny’s passing.  This year was no different. Year one   was hard as expected. I didn’t expect year two to be as difficult as it was. Year two was even more difficult in the sense that her death and the fact that she’s not coming back was solidified more in the second year than the first. Year three hasn’t been without its struggles. There are still many moments where I’m heartbroken that I can’t physically talk to her , that she’s not here to experience life with and that I can’t sit with her as she gushes out an unending supply of wisdom.

This year , I honored her in a similar way as I did last year, a T-Bone steak! It was just my luck ( and I’d like to think a little gift from Granny) that steaks were on-sale for $7/pound. I added a side of macaroni salad from the deli , another one of her indulgences. Granny would have been proud. I also spent the  day looking through pictures and watching the video we were able to put together as a farewell at her funeral. This, I also do annually, sometimes several times a year.

I remember how my prayers changed when she passed. I remember feeling like not only were my prayers not being answered, but not even heard. A wise word from my therapist provided a bit of a salve to my aching heart. ” You never know the prayers our loved ones are whispering for themselves.” Perhaps.

Perhaps , Granny had seen all she wanted, laughed to her heart’s content and ached enough for 10 lifetimes and  had prayed for her  soul’s rest.

The way that Toni Morrison’s Song of Solomon  character, Pilate ,loves reminds me so much of my Granny. Pilate’s final words were,“I wish I’d a knowed more people, I would of loved ‘em all. If I’d a knowed more, I would a loved more”

Oh Granny, they woulda loved you , too. Until we meet again…