Grief Pi: Part III

3.21.14 and beyond

When she first left this earth, I was in shock and angry. It did not make sense to me. There were so many people and things I would have sacrificed just to have her back. How could someone so generous, so selfless and so faithful be taken while others that were not half the human she was, remain. My faith was shook. One of Granny’s greatest desires was to see the 5th generation. Can you imagine seeing the child of your son’s daughter’ daughter. It was my prayer many times. Let Granny live to see the 5th generation. Then as I got older, I amended my prayer request. I wanted her to have more time. Let her see the 5th generation walk.  It seems that my requests were not heard or simply met with a deafening NO. How could God say no to my request? This wasn’t a material request ,this was something meaningful and of substance. Every day she was living, the world was made a better place because of her love, her smile, and her joy.

A few days after the funeral, I found myself back home in Chicago sweeping the kitchen floor. I was wearing one of her many nightgowns just like I did when I would spend the night at her house in my younger days. I was trying to make some sense of it all. In the last month , she had told me of the dream she had of my little boy smiling in the hallway and walking. She always put on a smile, but I noticed her starting to get weaker. The reality that she would not live forever started to set it. I had prepared my mind that even if she got to see Lil AAA born and then passed the next day, it would have been better than her not seeing him at all, better than this. A small voice whispered to me, ” But you said you didn’t want her to suffer.” It was at that moment I remembered the other addition to my prayer. Yes, I wanted her to see the next generation, but I did not want her to do so if it meant that her quality of life was greatly compromised or that she was suffering a great deal.

There are still many days that I look at my son and mourn the fact that she didn’t get to hold her great-great grandson on this side of heaven. I think how absolutely tickled Granny would be to see him developing. I know she would have many nicknames for him and catchphrases that only she could get away with.  I continue to miss her dearly, but I find a bit of peace in knowing that at least she’s not suffering…

We tried to celebrate with Granny as often as possible.  I’m grateful that my hubby got to record some of those moments. I’m thankful to our good friend Rahim Branch for putting this piece together.

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