3.18.2014

Headed home on the bus, I had nothing but time to think. My mother and baby brother had come up the day after Friday to help soften the blow of Granny’s passing. Now, I was headed home for her funeral.  Last time I was there she was in great spirits. She had recently celebrated Mardi Gras (had her beads and all) with the residents of the nursing home SHE requested we put her in. This was the same home my Papa stayed in while living with Alzheimer’s.  Granny visited faithfully and celebrated her 60th wedding anniversary there with him.  Papa also took his last breath there. As I write now I start to realize just how intentional Granny’s choices were…

I returned to the home that I had spent the previous eight years of my life with the best roommate ever. Everything in that house was and still to this day is very much Granny. Her thrift store bargains, half a dozen book shelves filled to the brim,  and several artifacts from her time sometimes made the house feel more like a museum. How could all of her be there, but not her…

The road to plan her homegoing celebration was taxing. We had a great deal of help from family and some great friends, but it was the close family that had to plan the details, or so we thought. As we discussed the layout for the services, we realized that Granny had really planned her own funeral. She had been telling us for many years that she wanted to be buried in her 50^th anniversary dress, didn’t want a lot of singing, and had in the past month given my cousin a couple options for the poem she wanted recited at her funeral… I wonder how long she was preparing for her exit…

Always smiling no matter the occassion!

3.14.14

I talked to her that morning as I got ready for my walk to work. She sounded a bit out of it. Last night was rough for her. She’d always had a high tolerance for pain, but this was just too much.  They gave her morphine. It was hard to believe I was talking to her, she just sounded so different. She told me to call her back in a few minutes. As I walked to work, I decided I would call her that evening… I wanted her to get her strength back and recover from a grueling night. I figured I’d let her rest…

I went about my work day portraying a depressed patient in the basement of a medical school for med students. Lunch time arrived and I went upstairs to catch some air and some cell phone reception. I called my husband for small talk. He said he would meet me at the coffeehouse on campus, get a little work done and then we could walk home together. I thought that was sweet and I looked forward to our walk home together. He asked me if I had spoken to my mom or anyone else and I told him I hadn’t. I knew something was wrong. I thought maybe they had to rush her to the emergency room to get her pain under control again…I was not prepared.

I don’t remember his exact words, but the message was simply, Granny passed this morning. All I remember screaming is “What happened? I just talked to her. How did this happen?” I had just finalized our shirt order on the phone the previous night. The shirts would have been a surprise to her. I was five months pregnant and Granny and I were going to do the big reveal with personalized shirts via facebook. I was hysterical. I remember someone passing me in the stairwell and giving me a strange look. Perhaps she thought I was being dramatic, that whatever it was that caused me to weep so loudly could not have been that bad. It was. I had lost one of the dear loves of my life. Babe assured me that he would see me soon and I somehow managed to dry my tears and put on a brave face to return back to work.

I pretended as if everything was ok and then when I felt my tears would betray me I rushed to the bathroom and laid on the floor and wept some more. I gathered myself again. I wanted to tell my boss, but she could be cut and dry. I needed some comfort and compassion, I couldn’t guarantee that I could find it there. A small voice told me to go speak to her anyway. Compassion is what I found. She empathized with me and told me I was in no condition to continue working. She told me she was there to talk if I needed to or I could just sit and she wouldn’t bother me. She arranged for me to be off for the rest of the day. I headed out the door to meet my husband on the long walk home…without her in the land of the living…to be continued

Adolescence is full of change for all of us. It’s a time of raging hormones, awkward growth, and great confusion! If you didn’t have a best friend by your side to navigate all of the chaos, you are lucky to have made it out alive. I had that best friend. We not only attended the same school during the day, but we were in theatre classes during the evening. We were thick as thieves and full of mischief. She dared me to kiss my first boy ( a simple peck, but frightening nonetheless) , was the only person to ever spend the night at my Granny’s, and the keeper of all of my secrets. She was he-larry-us! Some people have a gift for certain colorful words like they can almost make them sound musical. She had that gift.  And then, I changed…

I was invited to an Easter play by some friends. At the end of the performance, I decided to  accept Christ as my Savior. Few times in my life have I ever felt so sure about something, this was one of those times. Being a new Christian, I had to let go of some things, i.e., my sailor friend. The example of Christianity in my age bracket was to me, perfection. I wanted to have it all together too, so I wrote a letter.. to break up with my best friend. She was heartbroken, but I stood my ground. Being perfect Christian, there was no room for the old me and that old friend.

We went our separate ways, to separate schools and separate lives. I was so silly to let go of a friendship over a little mischief.  I missed her laughter. It wasn’t until years later that I wrote a letter to apologize. I had not left any room for grace. She accepted my apology, chalked it up to adolescence and we moved forward.  She is still hilarious! She’s a wife, mother, and brilliant teacher. She’s able to balance it all with a lil lotta grace!

It can be easy to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Sometimes we write the character out of our story for a simple character flaw. If we eliminate all of the characters with flaws in our stories, we eliminate ourselves and that’s not a story anyone wants to read.

We eventually reunited and were able to share in the joy of each other’s wedding day. I’m so grateful that she leftalilroomforgrace…for me.

He-larry-us joke from her on my wedding day!

What about you? Have you ever gotten rid of something or someone because of a simple “flaw”? Please share below!

So, I briefly searched quotes to coincide with this post, but it seems like second best understandably isn’t the most desired position. For me, however, being second best was one of the best days of my life!

I was sitting in the waiting area of a local chain when I got the phone call of a lifetime.
“Candice, I need you to re-submit your information, ***** can’t do the fellowship!”

I was a high school theatre teacher at the time and I had applied for a fellowship called Teaching Shakespeare through Performance. This program was fully funded by the English Speaking Union .The chosen honoree would get to spend 3 weeks learning how to teach Shakespeare at the World -Renowned Globe Theatre in London. This was an opportunity of a lifetime. I had applied for the past two years with no success.  At that point , I was pretty close to the end of my rope. I was doubting myself as a teacher ;wondering if I even had the resources necessary to continue teaching a subject where I was still very much a novice.

I’m one of those people that hopes until the last minute. It ain’t over til it’s really over. Even if it’s stinking dead, I hold on to the fact that it can just maaaaybe be resurrected.

When I received a ‘no’ the previous year, I didn’t let go until the plane had landed, in London…without me. I know, I should have let go sooner.

The second rejection was equally as devastating, but I let it go.  I just thought it wasn’t in the cards for me and so I moved on with life as usual. I was disappointed, but what more could I do.

Trust me, I’m still learning the lesson of giving my best and then letting it go.  I’m still very much an actor and sometimes it can be one rejection after another. When you invest so much into something , you want your efforts to be rewarded with success. This isn’t just true for auditions, it’s the same for interviews, relationships and anything in life you feel like you’ve worked so hard for.

Inhale with me and on the exhale, let it all out and then fahgetaboutit, let it go! Nothing may come of it ever or…it just might be the second best day of your life.

After performing on the Globe stage!

The group of awesome teachers TSTP 2011!

Have you ever been turned down for something initially to be rewarded with it later? Please share below!

Growing up , the local radio station had a Wayback Wednesday where they played music from yesteryear. I hope to do at least one Wayback Wednesday post a month. This one isn’t too “wayback”, but you catch my drift…

In 2009, I had the pleasure of attending my 2nd annual Essence Festival! If you have never been, you MUST put it on your bucket list. There’s music, entertainment, food, and New Orleans! You simply cannot go wrong! While I was there I got to see Kindred the Family Soul perform live. They are gracious onstage and off.  I had always been a fan of them, but seeing them live simply made my love for them blossom. They are Fatin Dantzler and Aja” legs of a goddess” Graydon, a husband/wife duo that sing about love, life, and everything in between. What’s even better is that they live what they sing. They gave us a peek inside their everyday lives with their webseries, ” Six is It”.  “Far Away”,“Stars”, ” Weather the Storm” , and  “My Time” are some of my absolute favorites.

They performed several songs from their album, In this Life Together ,one of them being “Woman First ” . They brought a beautiful , glowing pregnant woman up to the stage and serenaded her in all of her splendor. It was a glorious site to see and hear. The writing captures so much about womanhood, but especially motherhood.

“Cuz when you’re a daughter, a sister, a wife,
and a mother
And everybody needs you more than the other
It’s so very easy to loose you
When there’s so many other things to do”

In the chaos of taking care of the others, may you be reminded that  , ” You’re a woman, first” .

http:/https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7tWr6h2Cks

Happy New Year ( is February too late to say that?) ! I hope this New Year continues to go well for you. It’s the beginning of the year so I hope you’re still fresh with great expectations.I pray that those expectations last until December 31st, and not just two weeks from now ( preaching to myself mostly) . The end of my year wasn’t anything too fancy. I did a quick toast surrounded by the ones I love in the coziness of my sauna, steam room, overheated  apartment. The strangest thing happened on the eve of the New Year. I got locked out of my Blackberry! Yes, I am still team #blackberry, don’t judge.

I used the same password to unlock my blackberry as I always do. 

                       

I matched the little number up with the picture, once. The next thing I know the screen informed me I’d  made 5/10 attempts at putting in the wrong password. Wait a minute, what?

                            

I continued to put in the password I KNEW ( without a shadow of a doubt) was correct and nothing changed. I started searching  Blackberry forums for answers . Some said hook it up to the computer and then put in your password, put in the letter equivalent to your password, throw some holy water on it, turn around three times do the bankhead bounce  and then put in the PW…NONE of these options worked 😐 I contacted my carrier and they basically said everything would be swiped off my phone including my old password so at least I could start over…wait a minute , what?

Keep in mind I could not make any phone calls, texts, or emails from my phone for about a week.  If I happened to catch a call coming in I could answer it , but other than that  NADA!

At 8/10 attempts  and a now red screen, I decided you know what, maybe I was supposed to leave some things behind in 2014 . I got REAL spiritual. GOD locked my phone so I could be #delivert in 2015. I was prepared to lose everything. At least I had my pictures on my SD card, anything else , I was ready to leave behind. I put in my password the 9th time, nothing. The 10th time I put in the same password, closed my eyes expecting to lose all my recipes, what’s app convos and prized memes … and then my phone UNLOCKED!

                                    

Sometimes you exhaust all possibilities and lose it all, but sometimes giving it your very last may be the key that  UNLOCKS your dreams!

Have you ever risked losing everything only for it to pay off in the in?

P.S. That Blackberry has gone on to glory in the past week. It survived being run over by a truck and numerous drops, but that last one did her in. R.I.P. Q

 Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff…

Honest to God! Somebody almost ran with all of my stuff…

Somebody almost ran off with all of my stuff

                                                                                       Ntozake Shange
                                                                                        For colored girls..

To say that I’m functioning on less sleep is an understatement. Now that I’m a new mother, I feel like the synapses in my brain are not quite firing right, you know like Luther’s curl neeever quite curled right…but I digress. It’s easy for me to have a thought that quickly leaves for a vacation in the land of no return. This day was no different, and yet it was…

I was headed to do a gig. A gig that didn’t sit right with me. It wasn’t bad, just not for me. I had felt uncomfortable about the stereotypical nature of the gig upon my first reading of it, but I pushed all thoughts of arguing this case aside and decided it was just a gig, and it would be great for a few extra dollars to pay off debt, put in the tank, or any list of things that I needed money to accomplish. The problem is that every time I talked about this gig, I would talk about how much I was uncomfortable with it.  I proceeded to show up for work anyway, because I had a commitment. That was the day it all went down.

I arrived at the gig , parked my car and walked to the building. I saw a friend of mine and obnoxiously yelled her name as a large group of people walked by me. We checked in and went to start our gig. After I completed the job and headed out, I looked for my wallet, it was a bright colored so it was hard to miss. I didn’t see it in the room with the rest of my stuff so I thought that maybe I left it in the car….and then I got the call from the bank. Nope, it wasn’t in the car, it was slowly making it’s rounds , my debit card was being used like a 2 dollar floozy. ughhhhh

I don’t know when it happened. Did it fall out of my pocket when I got out of the car, did I drop it on my walk to work or did someone swipe it while my focus was elsewhere?

I was reminded of that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie found her “Carrie” necklace and in essence found herself again.

I was on the opposite end of the spectrum. Losing/having my wallet stolen was just a physical manifestation of what was internally going on with me, I had lost myself. Tryna make a dollar outta 85 cents, I started chasing the money and stopped chasing my dreams. I’m an artist mammit, and I got some things to create! The good news is I can get “me” back. Yes, I can get a new id or debit card, but I can also return to those things that are the essence of me, i.e. the writing, ,the acting, listening to that still voice again and the folly of life.

I’m going back to the old way of things anyway, carrying important things close to the heart. Things might get lost in there, but at least I know where to find ’em.

Oh yeah, that job I was so committed to wasn’t so committed to me.

So how about you, have you ever felt like you lost yourself? What did you do to get back to you?