In the summer of 2014, my husband and I received the gift of our first born son! Before I was a mother, I had several other roles ; daughter ,sister, friend, wife, actor, teacher,etc. Adding all of those together does not COMPARE to the responsibility that is motherhood. Quite literally EVERYTHING changes overnight.
I was blessed with a pretty non-eventful pregnancy. Other than a ravenous first trimester appetite and a not so great encounter with some hummus and tapenade, I felt great. I was still able to work and audition. I scoured the internet searching for anything I could find on being a successful actor and mom.I was auditioning right up until the week before I delivered…and then the baby arrived.
A whole human being came out of my body, wow! 8lbs, 12oz, bluish grey eyes, with a ting of red hair. My eye shape , my husband’s nose and combination of my top lip and my husband’s bottom were the composition of his face. He held a tight grip with a duplicate of my wise hands and my husband’s feet. He was truly an example of God’s grace!
As a first time mother I felt like I was prepared to be unprepared. I read about the sleep deprivation, the initial pain of nursing, and even the baby blues. What I wasn’t prepared for was having to tell my husband to hide the recently prescribed pain pills because of my dangerous thoughts.I wasn’t prepared for the shame of those thoughts or the hopelessness of trying to figure out now what? Does the person I was still exist? Do I still get to be an artist or does motherhood swallow everything into a black hole?
Only time was able to answer those questions. In short the answers to those questions are yes, and no.I type this post at the mercy of the almost 10 month old as he decides when he wants to eat, crawl, poop, type on the computer while I’m typing, but of course not nap, but I digress… Career is definitely still possible , but it does take some maneuvering.Bright-eye may or may not have screamed to the top of his lungs in a certain casting office…
Thank you to the friends, family and strangers who donated their time to watch him while I auditioned or who gave me some baby-free girlfriend moments. Thanks to those who came to visit and check on me, check on all of us.
Stay tuned for more posts on motherhood in the month of May!