Getting a college education was always something that was expected of me. I remember time spent on St. Louis University’s campus and meeting the staff of the Biology Department where my mom was working on her graduate degree. Some days, I completed worksheets while my mom strapped my baby brother to her in the baby carrier and placed test tubes inside the centrifuge.

It’s no wonder I chose St. Louis University as my destination for undergrad. However, once I graduated, I felt I had met those expectations. I had graduated AND “decided I was finished”. Unless Jesus himself was coming back down to Earth to tell me so , I was set on never going back to school again.

However, life has a funny way of happening. So, in the Fall of 2018 , I started researching graduate programs quietly. In the end, only one program made sense for me. I attended the informationals and contacted several individuals connected to the program. I gathered a great team of support for recommendations and started the process to apply to one school and one school only, Northwestern University. It was close enough that I didn’t have to uproot my family and it provided the in-person class structure that I found necessary for my learning. I completed the application with some amazing support from friends, family , and mentors. I submitted my application and went through the interview process. Rare for me, I didn’t overthink it.

Fast forward to April 19, 2019, Good Friday. I am 4 months pregnant and searching for a beauty store coupon in my e-mail when I notice the message in my inbox ” Welcome to the MS in Leadership for Creative Enterprises Program” . Wait, what! The fact that I received this message on Good Friday after my little convo with Jesus almost 20 years prior was not lost on me. I called my mom, cried, and continued my trek for hair care products slightly in a daze. A decision had to be made. I already knew I would accept the offer, but which option: Fall 2019 or Winter of 2020. Fall orientation would start two weeks after I was expected to give birth. Grad school with a new baby?

. Have you ever done something that you pretty much said you would never do again? How’d it turn out? Drop me a comment below!

It’s been a while since I’ve been on grace. Chile, the last time I wrote, I had 1 child, and now me and Beyonce are tied . Many things have happened, but I’m grateful for everything that has conspired that has allowed me to return to grace. This poem is for those who mutha, on today, and everyday.

*Trigger warning-Mention of pregnancy loss and grief. I have placed an asterisk next to the stanzas that contain these topics.

I won’t pretend to know what all those that mutha want on this day, but I can imagine…

I can imagine that they want some rest on today, uninterrupted

Shades drawn, knocked out, ear plugs and eye mask , weighted blanket cocoon kinda rest

Hotel kinda rest, if they really feeling it, complete with room serviced breakfast in a robe

I can imagine that they want some money on today

Crisp bills , cash app, zelle, venmo, or bitcoin if they feeling futuristic

Money exclusively for them to spend on frivolous things like candles, and skincare ,and the upteenth tube of red lipstick just cause they feel like it

I can imagine that they want some food on today

Food that makes them hum or dance while consuming it because it’s just that good

Food that is free from the gaze and judgement of others and makes its way from the mouth straight to the soul

I can imagine that they want some love on today

Love in its many forms via kind words and affirmations, a cleaned house and washed car , gentle hugs and nose kisses, a created craft project

or time just being present in the moment.

*I can imagine that they want to mourn on today

Mourn the sobering truth that those that muthered them are no longer able to mutha them in the earthly realm

Mourn the loss of their touch and their smell while listening to the last captured sound of their voice or reading saved written words

*I can imagine that they want to grieve on today

Grieve the single faint line that no matter what will not edge over to form two

Grieve the loss of a heartbeat that once was , but is no more

I can imagine that they want hope on today

Hope for new possibilities that it can and will happen for them

Hope with an unwavering faith that miracles still are possible

I can imagine that they want to laugh on today

Laugh with a joy that can’t be contained

with the wonder of what being muthered well and good muthering has produced

I can imagine that they want to celebrate on today

Celebrate the beings that they have nourished with their hands, their bodies,

and their souls

Celebrate the choices and sacrifices they made that allowed another creature to soar in freedom

I can imagine that they want to breathe on today

Exhaling real big, breathing out the burdens of life

and inhaling the blessings of abundance

I won’t pretend to know what all those that mutha want on this day, but my prayer is that your greatest wants leave your imagination and translate into the reality of your choosing.

Every year , March rolls around and it’s always a bit different and off -kilter for me . March is the anniversary month of Granny’s passing.  This year was no different. Year one   was hard as expected. I didn’t expect year two to be as difficult as it was. Year two was even more difficult in the sense that her death and the fact that she’s not coming back was solidified more in the second year than the first. Year three hasn’t been without its struggles. There are still many moments where I’m heartbroken that I can’t physically talk to her , that she’s not here to experience life with and that I can’t sit with her as she gushes out an unending supply of wisdom.

This year , I honored her in a similar way as I did last year, a T-Bone steak! It was just my luck ( and I’d like to think a little gift from Granny) that steaks were on-sale for $7/pound. I added a side of macaroni salad from the deli , another one of her indulgences. Granny would have been proud. I also spent the  day looking through pictures and watching the video we were able to put together as a farewell at her funeral. This, I also do annually, sometimes several times a year.

I remember how my prayers changed when she passed. I remember feeling like not only were my prayers not being answered, but not even heard. A wise word from my therapist provided a bit of a salve to my aching heart. ” You never know the prayers our loved ones are whispering for themselves.” Perhaps.

 

Perhaps , Granny had seen all she wanted, laughed to her heart’s content and ached enough for 10 lifetimes and  had prayed for her  soul’s rest.

The way that Toni Morrison’s Song of Solomon  character, Pilate ,loves reminds me so much of my Granny. Pilate’s final words were,“I wish I’d a knowed more people, I would of loved ‘em all. If I’d a knowed more, I would a loved more”

Oh Granny, they woulda loved you , too. Until we meet again…

 

” We’re overwhelmed because we don’t know where to start and afraid because we don’t know how long it will take.”

This quote  overheard on a podcast seemed to sum up everything I was feeling  within 20 words. The list of overwhelming things range from laundry to career to weight loss to entrepreneurship.When it comes to laundry, where do I start in the humongous pile? Should I take a class, start writing that web-series or send out a nifty picture postcard to further my career?  Cardio, weigh-lifting, calorie-counting or low-carb for the best weight-loss solution?  Do I get a business license, create designs, or secure a website first before diving into entrepreneurship?

Then, how long will it take before I can get the results I want, results I can be proud of. Laundry is a finite task , but career, weight loss, and entrepreneurship are very much life-long journeys. How long will it take to be successful? Weeks, Months, Years, Forever?

As I cross the threshold and head into a new year, in some ways, I felt like I accomplished more in 2015 and suffered less.  Just as I felt like I was getting back to myself, 2016 came with some heavy hitters that I was not prepared to go to bat with. I suffered some in 2016 and I let the pain of life change who I was and not for the better. I was vengeful, bitter and full of resentment. And yet, but for the grace of God, here I am . I am not as afraid now as I was heading into 2016. The struggles of 2016 have given me a new perspective. If I can survive that year, then what have I got to lose? What can’t I make it through?

I know that change always starts within and so there are some inner workings that must be re-done and re-wired and even  uprooted from the very core of me. What new story do I tell myself everyday that gives me permission to have and do all of the things that are etched in my heart and soul?I’m writing it as we speak. I have no idea how long any of this will take, but I know that not starting at all will always leave me behind, afraid and wishing I had gone for it.

As we watch one year exit, we blow out the candles and birth in a new one. May the light of love always be shining brightly upon your face even in the darkest hour. May you stand on the shoulders of your previous successes ,pridefully .May you recognize the valleys of failure , humbly . May those in this realm and the next push you past fear and encourage you to take that next step.

Gracefully, 

Candice

 

 

 

 

Are you overwhelmed heading into the new year? What’s the first step you’re taking towards your dreams?  Are you fired up for the new year? What started that fire?  Share below!

A few weeks ago, I did something I almost never do. I shared some pretty awesome news  about my career rather prematurely.  I normally share last minute when it comes to realized dreams. I rarely post about the rehearsal process when I’m doing a gig because of  FEAR.  I’m afraid of getting fired from a gig and I’m also afraid of not being supported. It looks crazy reading it over in print. I’ve never been fired from a gig (at least not that I can remember) and friends and family are normally pretty darn supportive of me.

I realize that these are both major signs of someone dealing with some issues. Brene Brown refers to  these moments as “the other shoe dropping”. The whole concept of whoa, there are some pretty awesome things happening right now. I don’t deserve this. Something bad is going to happen and it will all be taken away which will prove the point that I didn’t deserve it in the first place.

Going public initially seemed like a good idea. But then people started liking the post, and commenting , and sharing for other people to like and comment and share and like and comment and share and… Yikes! The jig is up. It took everything in me not to snatch the announcement down, deactivate my account for a few days and just hide because… I have issues…that I’m working on…sometimes.

I tried to reduce the moment in my head. The conversation in my head was not the most uplifting. ” It’s only a few lines , Candice. What if you end up on the cutting room floor?  There would be all of this fuss over nothing. Plus, look at the tornadoes going on in the rest of your life. Are you really keeping it “real”? Why don’t  you share some of the failures and messiness of life and see how well received that news is?”

THAT girl had to go and THIS girl came in.

” This is huge! Remember when you were auditioning for Claire Simon for the first time since your move to Chicago. You were so nervous then , but 3 years later, honey here you are, booked! So what if you end up on the cutting room floor. You did the work, cashed the check, and enjoyed that delicious brownie turtle cheesecake from craft services.Yummmmm! This is worth celebrating. And yes, life is a mess. You are in the middle of some huge transitions and storms, but we will get through them and be better on the other side. Just because life is messy does not mean it’s devoid of beautiful times like this. Relish in this moment,savor it, celebrate it and allow it AND  you to be celebrated. THIS celebration is  not because you might not get this moment again, but because THIS IS YOUR MOMENT, and you are worth every ounce of good that comes your way. Take Wings, Candice Jeanine, Take Wings!”

 

There will be many more conversations between THAT girl and THIS girl, but for right now I’m content to leaveaLOTTAroomforgrace…

 

Anyone else have an internal war going on? How do those conversations normally end?

 

Thanks for reading! The episode I filmed should air tonight, Tuesday 10/25/16  at 9pm on NBC’s Chicago Fire with the rest of these beautiful people!

I always try to make up some type of formula to remember the birthdays of people I love. For my Grandpa George, it was 24/8 (instead of 24/7) because 7 days were simply not enough for all that he did for us. Today I reflect on what would have been his 71st birthday. If he was here, we would be celebrating with a feast that at least included fried cabbage and chitlins.  Grandpa George was a good, no-nonsense kinda guy.  He always reminded me of  a character straight from the pages of a Walter Mosley book. He operated in facts, but every now and then he would let his feelings shine through with a well-chosen Hallmark card. Even when it came to cancer, he underwent procedures to prolong his life. When the chemo only worsened his condition, he accepted his fate and warned us not to make any plans. Unfortunately we lost him on 8/8 a mere 3 weeks before my wedding.  I still have his addressed invitation as a keepsake. Below are some of my mom’s reflections from his life.

 

Trying to honor my father via this post, I thought I’d share memories of my time with him throughout my life. Though I only lived in the same house with my dad for a very brief period, my nuggets are far too many to share in a post. Yet, I believe I can share the essence of my dad and how he has influenced my life.  I can’t believe I can give you the entire sum of him, but I can tell you what I see: his actions that are his words to me.

I realized a couple of years of ago that my father was patient with me.  When I was in elementary school, I called my father by his first name, George.  That seems so disrespectful to me now, but he never complained about it.  He understood that because we had lived apart for several years prior, the relationship was perhaps not there to warrant a more endearing term, and so he didn’t try to force it.  I wonder what he must have felt to hear me say his name… I don’t know what he felt.  I don’t know that he was patient in other areas of his life.  I just know he was patient with me, and I eventually came to call him Dad.

My dad’s generosity to me and my children is unparalleled.   Mind you, my dad had one child; I have three!  He sponsored not only Christmas for my children, but also birthdays, especially for the baby boy.  And rarely did I have to ask.  I don’t know that he was generous with everyone, but he was generous with me… and mine.

My dad is one of the most humble people I’ve ever known.  We may be in that group where we have or know a lot of people who attended college.  The number of people who played sports while in college is fewer.  Those who played on a collegiate football team is fewer still… and those who made it to The Rose Bowl is very small. Finally those who were on the winning team on the field defending the last possible points of the game as a defensive end??  Yep.  That’s my dad.  Yet, was that a topic of his conversation?  Nope.  It was a topic of other folks’ conversation.  And maybe he wasn’t such a humble person with other people, but he taught me humility.  I think he taught me as well that accomplishments in the past are just that: in the past.

Of course, there are a flood of memories that show how he has influenced my life.  He introduced me to Puzo’s The Godfather before the movie as well as John LeCarre.  I love movies because we went to see the Big Ones together: Shaft, the original (yes, I was too young!), Kramer Vs. Kramer, Star Wars, Close Encounters… to name but a few.  I love horseback riding and tennis because of him.

He has a devilish smile and a snorting laugh!  He listened intently as I raved about an NPR story that I thought was simply fascinating!

Of course, he is past tense now.  Yet, I am so grateful for my memories.

My dad didn’t plan on being my dad.  Yet, he stepped up to the plate in his way.  He enriched my life by spending time with me.  He improved the quality of my life by loving me.  I did not want this post to be about my loss because it is my truth every day.  I wanted it to be about his example of patience, generosity, and humility because it was his truth every day.

 

To my dearest Adeleke on your 2nd birthday:

Sometimes I wonder why you came so soon. Though your birth was at full term, your father and I had barely been married three months before we discovered on Thanksgiving night that we would have a little more to be thankful for. We were both somewhere between shock and disbelief. You see, your father and I are both artists. We were both hitting the ground running trying to make connections to establish our careers as well as our lives as husband and wife.

So there we were trying to make a life together with a new life growing inside of me. Sometimes life was just as much hopeful as it was stressful.  I mean , were we really ready to be your parents? Didn’t God know that there were a few things we wanted to have in line with our own lives before we ushered in another one?   Finances , foundation , faith and figuring out careers, these were all things that would be drastically rearranged! Buuut, Granny was excited. She was in the hospital when I gave her the news that she would be a great-great grandmother. She was tickled to see me pregnant with you. She had dreams about how you would look and you peeping around the corner in the house I grew up in . She was tickled to rub my every growing belly. Things started to make sense. The 5th generation was coming sooner than expected, but it was coming…  And then she died when I was carrying you in my 5th month.  There was the devastation of loss combined with the hope of new life. It was a roller coaster.

A few months later you arrived like a quiet force. Everyone was delighted to see you! People drove overnight, took trains and flew in just to witness you!  Your life added sweetness to so many lives. For your middle name, we chose Adedoyin meaning “the crown becomes honey”.

I am no longer consumed with the “what ifs” ( we had waited a little longer)  and “if onlys” ( we had a little more in order when you were born) . I am confident in “what is”.  You, my love have been created for such a time as this.

The past few months have been full of me smothering you with kisses. Subconsciously ,I believe that  each kiss will somehow persuade time to slow down . You are growing up so very fast. You are so extremely resilient and joyful that it is a wonder to watch.  You shriek with delight and with your quick feet do your happy dance. You clap when your father and I return home as if it warrants a celebration. You laugh at laughter which breeds more giggles. You are the very best parts of me, of life, of us. You have been the joy in the mourning.

As we prepare to celebrate your 2nd year of birth on a hot day at the zoo, I pray many things for you. I pray that you will accept your natural gifts  with sincere humility .  I pray that you will understand that you are of a royal breed. The crown does not only exist in the translation of your name. It is the very essence of who you are. I pray you are not tangled in whatever weaknesses you may possess. They are there to remind you to depend on the one who has created you and loved you from the start.  I pray that you will always be surrounded by  the love and light of friends and family no matter where you are. Lastly, I pray that you always make it home safely.

 

Mommy loves you, Sweetface
Mommy and Daddy love you

 

 

I was headed to an awards ceremony that would honor my husband’s work in the community when I received a text from my agent. ( Sidenote: For those who don’t know, I’m an actor. The agent in this case is my commercial representation) “I’m working with a direct client wondering if you’re available tomorrow for a possible booking”.  Exciting! I had an in-house audition that day after not having one for several months and now this, double exciting…except…I was already ” booked” tomorrow. I had agreed to babysit a for a friend.  This wasn’t a free thing. Babysitting is one of my side-hustles for extra income. As a mother , I KNOW how hard it can be to have someone cancel on you last minute when it comes to babysitting. I had already given my word to my friend and I didn’t want to be that mother that let another mother down sooooo … I replied that I was, unfortunately unavailable.

I still mourn that decision which is probably why it’s taken so long to write this post.  The way that direct bookings work is there’s a possibility of booking you on your look alone. Let’s say a client needs 2 women for the job , but there are 10 women who they like based on a head shot. They send out feelers to the agent and say, we like these 10 women, can you check their availability for tomorrow from 8am-noon?  Out of those 10  women, perhaps 8 of them are available.   Out of the 8, they choose 2, ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom. The 2 show up to set next day, film and eats snacks and somewhere between 30-90 days get paid enough to cover rent for one to several months.

Is it possible that I could have said that I was available and still not booked the job? Absolutely. Were the odds stacked in my favor ? Yep, based on the numbers alone. Auditions can have upwards of 40-50 people called in for one role versus the smaller numbers in direct bookings.

Hindsight is indeed 20/20. I should have simply sent a text to my friend to say, ” Hey, there’s a possibility that I will be doing a non-union commercial for a major retailer tomorrow. This would mean that I could only watch the kids from 8am-12pm.  Nothing is confirmed yet, but I simply want to be available for this opportunity.  I will let you know as soon as I find out more information, but can you please have someone on standby?” You know what the friend would have probably said? ” Oh my gosh, that’s awesome! I know this is an exciting opportunity for you and your  family. Let me know when you find out more, but I will have someone on back-up just in case. I hope you book  it!” End Scene.

 

I am constantly learning the lesson of choosing what’s right for me over helping someone else. I feel the most empowered in my decision making when I set boundaries. This lesson stings just a little bit more because of Granny. Maybe this was the big news she had for me or maybe it’s something even bigger.  Sorry Granny, next time I won’t “drop the call”. In the meantime, I’m just searching for a lil’ more grace and forgiveness for myself.

 

 

 

Have you chosen doing what’s right for someone else over doing what’s right for you?  How did that decision affect you in the long run? I want to hear from you in the comments below!

 

 

 

 

I had a strong desire to call Granny today.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to reach her, but still I had this itching urge.  It could be because it’s National Best Friend’s day.  The 59 year age difference never stopped us from late night TV watching, Riverdances or buffet brunches.  It feels like I want to tell her something BIG, cept I don’t have any big news to tell.  Maybe it’s she that has news to tell me, and I just haven’t sat still long enough to receive it.  Granny’s got a secret and she just can’t wait til it reaches the earthly realm so she can sit back and smile, knowing the big news, the good news has finally reached me… I wonder what it is…