Fear Goal

I walk past them every day, but I have yet to pick them up.  Them being my printed copies of my 101 Goals in 1001 days.  I’m not new to this rodeo of goal setting, but 101 goals is definitely the largest amount of goals I’ve decided to take on.

Last year I was reading Brian Tracy’s Goals.  Brian (yes, we’re on a first name basis) suggests writing 10 goals down every day as if they are happening.  For example, instead of writing “vacation in Miami” write “I vacation in Miami in Summer 2016.”  I wrote my list of 10 goals down, and quite frankly I had no idea how some of them were going to happen, but I wrote them down anyway.  One of my goals was to take a class.  I knew I didn’t have the money to take it at the time, but I figured I’d write it down.

I will never forget the moment that goal became a reality.  I realize that most goals require some effort on our parts.  Weight loss doesn’t just happen from writing down “I weigh x lbs.”  However, in the case of this particular goal, quite literally, an unexpected check came in the mail that allowed me to pay for the class.

I was struck with fear.  I felt paralyzed like I couldn’t move forward on the thing that I said I wanted so much.  I didn’t believe I was worth having this goal completed/dream come true.  Also, if this goal was possible, then didn’t that mean the other 9 goals on my list were possible, too?  Yep.  Nope.  Not worth those either.

I’m not really sure when this unworthiness thing kicked in.  Have I always been the queen of self-sabotage?  Just when I’m close enough to something great, I try to figure out a way to prove that I’m undeserving of this wonderful love, life, job, career, the list goes on…and so I write.

I’m writing to get through this fear.  I’m writing until I believe that worthiness, like grace is not something that you earn, but something that you’re born into. I’m writing until I’m unafraid of my own light, my own dreams, and the manifestation of the life I want to live.




Fear Goal

101 Goals in 1001+Days


This year didn’t start off like I thought it would. I found January to be a very happy and yet very lazy month for me. I turned “that” age in December, you know the one where there are no longer any calendar days to support your age..It’s like something clicked and said , ” It’s REALLY time to grow up, Candice” or ” Get your life together, like really  this time” and yet I find myself unable to seemingly do this adulting thing like I think I should be doing it. I stumbled upon a template for  101 goals in 1001 days in an old journal and I figured there was no time like the present to get it going. I’ve been working on this list for a couple weeks and I’ve already started to cross off a few things already so there might just be something to this whole thing.  I used categories such as: mom, wife, diy, travel, career, sister, fitness, “just for fun” to help me compose my list. It’s also the start of the Chinese New Year, so I figured I’d stop monkeying around and get to it ( see there what I did there)

Start Date: February 8, 2016

Completion Date: November 5, 2018


  1.  I lead a faith-based small group.
  2.  I attend 3 faith-based workshops.
  3. I join a church we love as a family.
  4. I spend 10 minutes of uninterrupted quiet time with God for 8 days straight.
  5. I give 10% of my income.
  6. I read all of the letters written by Paul.
  7. I read 45 books/plays.
  8. I complete a crossword puzzle/lumosity 3 times/week.
  9. I take an online course in something new.
  10. I do at least a 30-second plank everyday for 30 days.
  11. I run 5 5Ks; such as the Hot Chocolate Run and Color Run.
  12. I reach pre-baby/wedding weight.
  13. I reach my ultimate goal weight.
  14. I exercise before noon on M, W, F, and Saturday.
  15. I won a car.
  16. I run a 10K.
  17. I dance with Baby A 4 times a week.
  18. I spend 20 minutes of uninterrupted play time/reading time with Baby A 4X a week.
  19. I write 33 letters to Baby A in his journal.
  20. Place 100 index cards around the house for vocabulary for Baby A.
  21. I enroll Baby A in swim classes.
  22. Enroll Baby A in daycare/ Montessori school nearby where he is safe, supported, loved and pushed to learn and grow.
  23. I gift pampering service for moms, mil, stepmom, and grandmas.
  24. Send flowers to CJ, MO,GD, OJ, GB DG.
  25. Hubby… top secret
  26. Hubby
  27. Hubby
  28. Hubby
  29. Hubby
  30. Hubby
  31. Hubby
  32. I travel to Nigeria.
  33. I travel to Kenya and stay at Giraffe Manor.
  34. I travel to South Africa and visit Soweto and Cape Town.
  35. I travel to the Gullah Islands in South Carolina
  36. I travel to LA and hike.
  37. I travel to Costa Rica.
  38. I take a road trip with the family.
  39. I DIY 2 pairs of heels with glitter.
  40. I KonMari method the entire apt.
  41. I purchase new home fragrances/candles 1/month.
  42. I purchase fresh flowers 1/month.
  43. I am debt free.
  44. I have xx,xxx in savings.
  45. I purchase a car cash.
  46. I volunteer at a Soup Kitchen 7x.
  47. I read to the kids at the bookstore on Saturday 7X.
  48. I send JB gifts to 10 friends.
  49. I cook 21 new recipes.
  50. I purchase Stiletto Dance 5 class pass.
  51. I will have coffee/lunch with a girlfriend  1/month.
  52. I own a home.
  53. I zipline.
  54. I see a sunrise/sunset.
  55. I have a successful garden with tomatoes, habanero peppers, onions, cabbage, okra, eggplant, jalapeno peppers, purple tomatillos and spinach.
  56. I  get pampering services at least 1/season.
  57. I am paid to travel somewhere beautiful and warm for work with my family.
  58. I get my hair groomed professionally at least 1/season.
  59. I get new cool business cards.
  60. I  attend 2 blogging conferences.
  61. I am a paid speaker at a blogging conference
  62. I  complete commercial acting training
  63. I proofread and edit previous blog posts and save them to a hard drive
  64. I attend 2 ABFF events
  65. I create and adhere to a blog schedule
  66. I work professionally with 3 brands I love
  67. I train to be a life-coach
  68. I start a business
  69. I create an annual book scholarship for students in East St. Louis in the arts
  70. I write and publish 3 children’s books
  71. I successfully complete a blogging challenge
  72. I have dinner with my brothers 5x
  73. I pay for someone else’s meal 10x
  74. I book a national commercial campaign for a product/company I love
  75. I build a voiceover studio
  76. I complete voiceover coaching
  77. I am a SAG member with consistent work
  78. I purchase a home for my mom
  79. I attend 50 plays
  80. I complete my play
  81. I write and direct a short film with hubby
  82. I cut off 9 inches of my hair
  83. I host 10 events in my home: breakfast/ lunch / game night
  84. I attend a Frankie Beverly and Maze concert with hubby.
  85. I get the couch re-upholstered
  86. I save 15% of my income
  87. I am a pescatarian for a week
  88. I am a vegetarian for a week
  89. I am a vegan for a week
  90. I own a tailored navy business suit
  91. I replace my 15 year old bookbag.
  92. I join and complete an online fitness challenge
  93. I pay for a stranger’s meal 10x.
  94. I complete a business course.
  95. I complete a home buying course.
  96. I am on Hollywood Game Night
  97. I do Sunday yoga 33x.
  98. I ride to a terminal stop on the train and explore
  99. I spend the night with WJ and OJ 10x.
  100. I visit and stay with AR in Mississippi
  101. I trace my ancestry





Anniversary of Grace


 Grace has allowed me so many opportunities.

All things considered, blogging has been very much a personal journal allowing the world to be a fly on the wall to my memories, failures and future hopes. In essence , I’m writing to myself with the hopes that my truth can somehow bring light to others. Blogging through grief has been very much a part of my celebration and mourning of a life I so deeply cherish. Writing on my mother allowed me to make plain both the joys and fears  inherited. Sharing my first moments of motherhood spoke of the exhaustion and exhilaration of bringing new life into this world.


Interestingly enough, on the anniversary of my first post, I find myself in need of my own medicine, a dose of my own encouragement. Today I find myself extremely happy and yet so filled with fear . Fear has given itself a re-occuring role in my reality and spilled over quite literally into my dreams. So today, I find myself reflecting on the very post  that started it all. I look back on the words that one woman wrote as a charge to the world. She was consumed by fear of judgement and not meeting her own expectations.   She wrote, “May we put one foot in front of the other and march forward into our destinies, our purposes, our calls and then…leavealilroomforgrace.”


On the anniversary of grace, I am reminded that I am that woman.  jeanineL28kb



Plates Falling




I know I don’t say it much, but I’m proud of you friend. A new city and new friends had me actin’ brand new. We always stayed in touch , but sometimes didn’t quite connect. I got so caught up in my own whirlwind that I forgot to congratulate you on all the twirls in your own world.  You are doing it, honey.  I see you spinning all those plates in the air. Plates named daughter, student, soul mate, best cousin, mentor , gal pal, instructor, artist, writer, wheew.  You in that thang , babygirl.  Going after that Ph.D. sometimes feels like Please help.Deliverme. Don’t worry , I know. As much as you look fabulous doing it all, I know that at some point each one of those plates has a way of falling to the ground and breaking.  But you don’t let it break you. Pick up the pieces, sweep it under the rug  and keep it moving.  Sip on that sweet tea, help baby boy with his vocab, read them 300 pages..tonight.Make some time for quiet, listen to that album, write that song/poem/pilot , blow a kiss decorated with polka dots and don’t stop…until you get enough that is.

Know your Crowd (Funding)

As some of you may know, I just wrapped up a huge crowdfunding undertaking with my husband for our film, My Father Lives Here.  It was one of the most challenging things I’ve done in my life! If you have never done crowdfunding before, just know that it is not for the faint of heart. The premise is you post your campaign and  beg   encourage those who support and love you to fund the project with the promise of perks like posters or warm and fuzzies for getting you that much closer to your dream. Easy enough, right? Wrong!

I’d like to believe that I have a higher tolerance for rejection than most. It’s simply the nature of the business I’m in.  Crowdfunding rejection is on another plane! I sent  out countless posts on email,  facebook, messenger, twitter, instagram, and  text message. There’s the good, the bad, and the ugly of responses.The good: Of course, I’ll give!. The bad :  Sorry, no can do. The ugly: I have received your message, but I am intentionally ignoring it as well as you. Ouch!

All of that to say that at the end of the day, I learned a lot about my crowd, but I learned even more about myself.

Patience seems like one of those lessons God never gets tired of teaching me. I became anxious waiting for responses from my sent messages. In due time the responses I needed happened.

2. Gratitude
The more “nos” or ignores I encountered,  the more grateful I became for the “yeses”.  Every share was a step towards moving the project forward. Every dollar someone donated was a form of sacrifice.  I learned to express gratitude frequently.You never can say thank you enough for those that invest in your dream.

3. Courage
The “yeses” gave  me courage to ask more. The positive responses began to fuel me.  I started to believe that if one person believed then there were many more out there that believed the same. I no longer became afraid of a negative response.


4.. Perseverance
It ain’t over until it’s over. On the last day of our campaign, I was extremely exhausted. I didn’t want to make another post or send another message. I was drained. I figured why post. I’ve been posting over the last 60 days. If people really wanted to give , they would have given by now.

I finally got up the nerve to give it one last shot and BAM! The last day of our campaign was HUGE! We received our largest donation in the history of the campaign ( which rocked our faith into a new stratosphere) and the most donors in a single day. It was such a rewarding way to close out the event.


Crowdfunding was a very vulnerable process, but at the end of the day I learned a little bit more about asking for what I need unashamedly. There are people out there willing to help you at the exact moment you need. They might not be the people you expected, so leave a little room for surprises. As always, leavealilroomforgrace…

Suffocated Grace

A few weeks ago , I went home to East St. Louis for a week. It was such a necessary and refreshing trip. I was gathering my thoughts to blog about it upon returning to Chicago  when the news of the Charleston 9 hit. It was as if any thoughts of the joy and refreshment I experienced at home were wiped clean. How could I speak about “home” for me when for those 9 and those that love them, home would NEVER be the same.

How could I leave room for grace when my anger consumed all of my heart space?How could this happen?

I admit that most times I really try to see the bright side of things, but this incident was so clouded with gloom that it strangled any inch of light that tried to seep through the cracks. Why would this happen?


Just when I think I can hit publish on this  blog post, ANOTHER incident happens! I got nothing right now. Perhaps I’ll find something to say at a later date that will be uplifting, inspiring even, but as of right now I feel that grace has left the building and made room for  rage, sorrow and confusion…

As A Father Loves His Child (ren)

I guess there were always hints that he would be a great father. I saw the way he bonded with my baby brother over movies and legos. He frequently spoke of inspirational talks from his own father and how after any of those talks he would feel like he could take over the world.  Even those hints were just an inkling of the reality I see every day as my husband aces the role of father to our son.

While I was too exhausted to cry , my husband’s eyes flooded with tears after the arrival of  Lil’ A. I wish I could have captured that look in his eyes. Lucky for me I had seen it before, that “in love” look.He is so very selfless when it comes to loving this boy.


For our family of three’s first Christmas , my mom bought my husband a gift card to buy something nice for himself.  I was excited for him, hoping he would purchase a couple shirts or some shoes, perhaps. Nope,Daddy thought that money would be much better spent on some tiny corduroys and other miniature items for Lil’ A.

LA’s  first words were Baba and Dada, both meaning father.  I want to be jealous, but I can’t. Big A is a great parent deserving of those honorary first words . He is completely proactive and aggressive in his love. Daddy has discovered some of LA’s favorite videos on youtube and  enjoys them more   just as much.  I’ve watched him in amusement encourage our little joy as early on as tummy time. When LA fussed about the uncomfortable exercise, it was Dad at eye level chanting “You can do it, you can do it!” and do it he did. After Dad’s long day at work, LA greets him with shrieks of excitement as if they’re  long lost friends reuniting for the first time in 10 years.! Seeing those two together is always one of the sweetest parts of my day.

Today I salute the most diaper-changing,  blackberry-oatmeal stirring, pump-part-sterilizing, funny-sound making, encouraging, Daeddy we know!


One of their favorites!

Today I decided…

to take a walk outside and not focus on the calories burned, but the time spent in the sunshine

to not complain about the heat, because in about 3 months the cold will return

to glance in the eyes of my son more than the glare of the computer

to work on me more than I work on my “job”

to live in this moment , in this season, because as much as I prayed for this season to change, I never get to return to this exact moment that I live in right now

to not take myself so seriously

to not be afraid of crossing the first goal off my list because I know if one can happen, then surely all 10 can

to rejoice and celebrate with others, because their success is worthy of fireworks

to stop focusing on the lack of generosity in others and seek more ways I can give

to not do so much, but instead…be

lauryn hill

The Best Shrimp Pizza You Will Ever Taste!

Since the beginning of grace, I’ve wanted to do a cooking portion. I enjoy cooking most days of the week and  I figured I’d share some of my favorite recipes with you!  Thanks for bearing with me and continuing to read. Sometimes it’s not always the easiest to post weekly, but I’m working on it. As the reader, what would you like to read about on grace? Leave me a comment below!

This dish is one of the easiest things to make and it is absolutely delicious! A friend of mine made it during one of our onesie-clad Scandal watch parties and it took everything in me not to eat the whole entire thing! I have since added a little touch of green to it and made it my own. Without further ado, I present to you the best pizza you will ever make in your life!



3 cloves of garlic
4 T of butter
2 cups of Italian blend or mozzarella cheese
12 oz. of raw shrimp
2 cups of spinach
1 pizza crust ( Feel free to make your own, but I grabbed ready made crust)

1. Set oven to 425 F.

2. Chop garlic, wash spinach and peel and wash shrimp.

3. On medium heat, melt butter and cook garlic for roughly 2 minutes. This is an important step, make sure the garlic doesn’t burn!

4. Spread half of the garlic-butter sauce on crust.

5. Layer crust with spinach, cheese, and lastly raw shrimp.


6. Pour remaining garlic sauce over pizza.

7. Let bake for roughly 18 minutes.  ( Depending on the cheese brownness you desire, you can adjust the time.)

We normally slice the pizza into 4 large slices. If you’re serving a large crowd  or using this as an appetizer, then cutting the pizza into squares would suit this dish better. Add a side salad to this baby and you’ve got yourself a great meal!

This is what the pizza looks like before going into the oven

If you love it, can you cook it, pin it, and share it, pretty please!

Mommy Debut


In the summer of 2014, my husband and I received the gift of our first born son! Before I was a mother, I had several other roles ; daughter ,sister, friend, wife, actor, teacher,etc. Adding all of those together does not COMPARE to the responsibility that is motherhood. Quite literally EVERYTHING changes overnight.

I was blessed with a pretty non-eventful pregnancy. Other than a ravenous first trimester appetite and  a not so great encounter with some hummus and tapenade, I felt great. I was still able to work and audition. I scoured the internet searching for anything I could find on being a successful actor and mom.I was auditioning right up until the week before I delivered…and then the baby arrived.


A whole human being came out of my body, wow! 8lbs, 12oz, bluish grey eyes, with a ting of red hair. My eye shape , my husband’s nose and combination of my top lip and my husband’s bottom were the composition of his face. He held a tight grip with a duplicate of my wise hands and my husband’s feet.  He was truly an example of God’s grace!

As a first time mother I felt like I was prepared to be unprepared. I  read about the sleep deprivation, the initial pain of nursing, and even the baby blues. What I wasn’t prepared for was having to tell my husband to hide the recently prescribed pain pills because of my dangerous thoughts.I wasn’t prepared for the shame of those thoughts or the hopelessness of trying to figure out now  what? Does the person I was still exist? Do I still get to be an artist  or does motherhood swallow everything into a black hole?

Only time was able to answer those questions. In short the answers to those questions are yes, and no.I type this post at the mercy of the almost 10 month old as he decides when he wants to eat, crawl, poop, type on the computer while I’m typing, but of course not nap, but I digress… Career is definitely still possible , but it does take some maneuvering.Bright-eye may or may not have screamed to the top of his lungs in a certain casting office…

Thank you to the friends, family and strangers who donated their time to watch him while I auditioned or who gave me some baby-free girlfriend moments. Thanks to those who came to visit and check on me, check on all of us.

Lastly, thanks  to the wise mothers both in and out of the business who in short reminded me that it will all work out, because actually, it really does.10616200_10100555054089284_2889877930966067579_n


Stay tuned for more posts on motherhood in the month of May!