I walk past them every day, but I have yet to pick them up.  Them being my printed copies of my 101 Goals in 1001 days.  I’m not new to this rodeo of goal setting, but 101 goals is definitely the largest amount of goals I’ve decided to take on.

Last year I was reading Brian Tracy’s Goals.  Brian (yes, we’re on a first name basis) suggests writing 10 goals down every day as if they are happening.  For example, instead of writing “vacation in Miami” write “I vacation in Miami in Summer 2016.”  I wrote my list of 10 goals down, and quite frankly I had no idea how some of them were going to happen, but I wrote them down anyway.  One of my goals was to take a class.  I knew I didn’t have the money to take it at the time, but I figured I’d write it down.

I will never forget the moment that goal became a reality.  I realize that most goals require some effort on our parts.  Weight loss doesn’t just happen from writing down “I weigh x lbs.”  However, in the case of this particular goal, quite literally, an unexpected check came in the mail that allowed me to pay for the class.

I was struck with fear.  I felt paralyzed like I couldn’t move forward on the thing that I said I wanted so much.  I didn’t believe I was worth having this goal completed/dream come true.  Also, if this goal was possible, then didn’t that mean the other 9 goals on my list were possible, too?  Yep.  Nope.  Not worth those either.

I’m not really sure when this unworthiness thing kicked in.  Have I always been the queen of self-sabotage?  Just when I’m close enough to something great, I try to figure out a way to prove that I’m undeserving of this wonderful love, life, job, career, the list goes on…and so I write.

I’m writing to get through this fear.  I’m writing until I believe that worthiness, like grace is not something that you earn, but something that you’re born into. I’m writing until I’m unafraid of my own light, my own dreams, and the manifestation of the life I want to live.

 

Tonight.

 

 

This year didn’t start off like I thought it would. I found January to be a very happy and yet very lazy month for me. I turned “that” age in December, you know the one where there are no longer any calendar days to support your age..It’s like something clicked and said , ” It’s REALLY time to grow up, Candice” or ” Get your life together, like really  this time” and yet I find myself unable to seemingly do this adulting thing like I think I should be doing it. I stumbled upon a template for  101 goals in 1001 days in an old journal and I figured there was no time like the present to get it going. I’ve been working on this list for a couple weeks and I’ve already started to cross off a few things already so there might just be something to this whole thing.  I used categories such as: mom, wife, diy, travel, career, sister, fitness, “just for fun” to help me compose my list. It’s also the start of the Chinese New Year, so I figured I’d stop monkeying around and get to it ( see there what I did there)

Start Date: February 8, 2016

Completion Date: November 5, 2018

 

1.  I lead a faith-based small group.
2.  I attend 3 faith-based workshops.
3. I join a church we love as a family.
4. I spend 10 minutes of uninterrupted quiet time with God for 8 days straight.
5. I give 10% of my income.
6. I read all of the letters written by Paul.
7. I read 45 books/plays.
8. I complete a crossword puzzle/lumosity 3 times/week.
9. I take an online course in something new.
10. I do at least a 30-second plank everyday for 30 days.
11. I run 5 5Ks; such as the Hot Chocolate Run and Color Run.
12. I reach pre-baby/wedding weight.
13. I reach my ultimate goal weight.
14. I exercise before noon on M, W, F, and Saturday.
15. I won a car.
16. I run a 10K.
17. I dance with Baby A 4 times a week.
18. I spend 20 minutes of uninterrupted play time/reading time with Baby A 4X a week.
19. I write 33 letters to Baby A in his journal.
20. Place 100 index cards around the house for vocabulary for Baby A.
21. I enroll Baby A in swim classes.
22. Enroll Baby A in daycare/ Montessori school nearby where he is safe, supported, loved and pushed to learn and grow.
23. I gift pampering service for moms, mil, stepmom, and grandmas.
24. Send flowers to CJ, MO,GD, OJ, GB DG.
25. Hubby… top secret
26. Hubby
27. Hubby
28. Hubby
29. Hubby
30. Hubby
31. Hubby
32. I travel to Nigeria.
33. I travel to Kenya and stay at Giraffe Manor.
34. I travel to South Africa and visit Soweto and Cape Town.
35. I travel to the Gullah Islands in South Carolina
36. I travel to LA and hike.
37. I travel to Costa Rica.
38. I take a road trip with the family.
39. I DIY 2 pairs of heels with glitter.
40. I KonMari method the entire apt.
41. I purchase new home fragrances/candles 1/month.
42. I purchase fresh flowers 1/month.
43. I am debt free.
44. I have xx,xxx in savings.
45. I purchase a car cash.
46. I volunteer at a Soup Kitchen 7x.
47. I read to the kids at the bookstore on Saturday 7X.
48. I send JB gifts to 10 friends.
49. I cook 21 new recipes.
50. I purchase Stiletto Dance 5 class pass.
51. I will have coffee/lunch with a girlfriend  1/month.
52. I own a home.
53. I zipline.
54. I see a sunrise/sunset.
55. I have a successful garden with tomatoes, habanero peppers, onions, cabbage, okra, eggplant, jalapeno peppers, purple tomatillos and spinach.
56. I  get pampering services at least 1/season.
57. I am paid to travel somewhere beautiful and warm for work with my family.
58. I get my hair groomed professionally at least 1/season.
59. I get new cool business cards.
60. I  attend 2 blogging conferences.
61. I am a paid speaker at a blogging conference
62. I  complete commercial acting training
63. I proofread and edit previous blog posts and save them to a hard drive
64. I attend 2 ABFF events
65. I create and adhere to a blog schedule
66. I work professionally with 3 brands I love
67. I train to be a life-coach
68. I start a business
69. I create an annual book scholarship for students in East St. Louis in the arts
70. I write and publish 3 children’s books
71. I successfully complete a blogging challenge
72. I have dinner with my brothers 5x
73. I pay for someone else’s meal 10x
74. I book a national commercial campaign for a product/company I love
75. I build a voiceover studio
76. I complete voiceover coaching
77. I am a SAG member with consistent work
78. I purchase a home for my mom
79. I attend 50 plays
80. I complete my play
81. I write and direct a short film with hubby
82. I cut off 9 inches of my hair
83. I host 10 events in my home: breakfast/ lunch / game night
84. I attend a Frankie Beverly and Maze concert with hubby.
85. I get the couch re-upholstered
86. I save 15% of my income
87. I am a pescatarian for a week
88. I am a vegetarian for a week
89. I am a vegan for a week
90. I own a tailored navy business suit
91. I replace my 15 year old bookbag.
92. I join and complete an online fitness challenge
93. I pay for a stranger’s meal 10x.
94. I complete a business course.
95. I complete a home buying course.
96. I am on Hollywood Game Night
97. I do Sunday yoga 33x.
98. I ride to a terminal stop on the train and explore
99. I spend the night with WJ and OJ 10x.
100. I visit and stay with AR in Mississippi
101. I trace my ancestry

 

 

 

 

 

 Grace has allowed me so many opportunities.

All things considered, blogging has been very much a personal journal allowing the world to be a fly on the wall to my memories, failures and future hopes. In essence , I’m writing to myself with the hopes that my truth can somehow bring light to others. Blogging through grief has been very much a part of my celebration and mourning of a life I so deeply cherish. Writing on my mother allowed me to make plain both the joys and fears  inherited. Sharing my first moments of motherhood spoke of the exhaustion and exhilaration of bringing new life into this world.

 

Interestingly enough, on the anniversary of my first post, I find myself in need of my own medicine, a dose of my own encouragement. Today I find myself extremely happy and yet so filled with fear . Fear has given itself a re-occuring role in my reality and spilled over quite literally into my dreams. So today, I find myself reflecting on the very post  that started it all. I look back on the words that one woman wrote as a charge to the world. She was consumed by fear of judgement and not meeting her own expectations.   She wrote, “May we put one foot in front of the other and march forward into our destinies, our purposes, our calls and then…leavealilroomforgrace.”

 

On the anniversary of grace, I am reminded that I am that woman.  

 

 

 

 

 

I know I don’t say it much, but I’m proud of you friend. A new city and new friends had me actin’ brand new. We always stayed in touch , but sometimes didn’t quite connect. I got so caught up in my own whirlwind that I forgot to congratulate you on all the twirls in your own world.  You are doing it, honey.  I see you spinning all those plates in the air. Plates named daughter, student, soul mate, best cousin, mentor , gal pal, instructor, artist, writer, wheew.  You in that thang , babygirl.  Going after that Ph.D. sometimes feels like Please help.Deliverme. Don’t worry , I know. As much as you look fabulous doing it all, I know that at some point each one of those plates has a way of falling to the ground and breaking.  But you don’t let it break you. Pick up the pieces, sweep it under the rug  and keep it moving.  Sip on that sweet tea, help baby boy with his vocab, read them 300 pages..tonight.Make some time for quiet, listen to that album, write that song/poem/pilot , blow a kiss decorated with polka dots and don’t stop…until you get enough that is.

As some of you may know, I just wrapped up a huge crowdfunding undertaking with my husband for our film, My Father Lives Here.  It was one of the most challenging things I’ve done in my life! If you have never done crowdfunding before, just know that it is not for the faint of heart. The premise is you post your campaign and  beg   encourage those who support and love you to fund the project with the promise of perks like posters or warm and fuzzies for getting you that much closer to your dream. Easy enough, right? Wrong!

I’d like to believe that I have a higher tolerance for rejection than most. It’s simply the nature of the business I’m in.  Crowdfunding rejection is on another plane! I sent  out countless posts on email,  facebook, messenger, twitter, instagram, and  text message. There’s the good, the bad, and the ugly of responses.The good: Of course, I’ll give!. The bad :  Sorry, no can do. The ugly: I have received your message, but I am intentionally ignoring it as well as you. Ouch!

All of that to say that at the end of the day, I learned a lot about my crowd, but I learned even more about myself.

1.Patience
Patience seems like one of those lessons God never gets tired of teaching me. I became anxious waiting for responses from my sent messages. In due time the responses I needed happened.

2. Gratitude
The more “nos” or ignores I encountered,  the more grateful I became for the “yeses”.  Every share was a step towards moving the project forward. Every dollar someone donated was a form of sacrifice.  I learned to express gratitude frequently.You never can say thank you enough for those that invest in your dream.

3. Courage
The “yeses” gave  me courage to ask more. The positive responses began to fuel me.  I started to believe that if one person believed then there were many more out there that believed the same. I no longer became afraid of a negative response.

 

4.. Perseverance
It ain’t over until it’s over. On the last day of our campaign, I was extremely exhausted. I didn’t want to make another post or send another message. I was drained. I figured why post. I’ve been posting over the last 60 days. If people really wanted to give , they would have given by now.

I finally got up the nerve to give it one last shot and BAM! The last day of our campaign was HUGE! We received our largest donation in the history of the campaign ( which rocked our faith into a new stratosphere) and the most donors in a single day. It was such a rewarding way to close out the event.

 

Crowdfunding was a very vulnerable process, but at the end of the day I learned a little bit more about asking for what I need unashamedly. There are people out there willing to help you at the exact moment you need. They might not be the people you expected, so leave a little room for surprises. As always, leavealilroomforgrace…

I guess there were always hints that he would be a great father. I saw the way he bonded with my baby brother over movies and legos. He frequently spoke of inspirational talks from his own father and how after any of those talks he would feel like he could take over the world.  Even those hints were just an inkling of the reality I see every day as my husband aces the role of father to our son.

While I was too exhausted to cry , my husband’s eyes flooded with tears after the arrival of  Lil’ A. I wish I could have captured that look in his eyes. Lucky for me I had seen it before, that “in love” look.He is so very selfless when it comes to loving this boy.

For our family of three’s first Christmas , my mom bought my husband a gift card to buy something nice for himself.  I was excited for him, hoping he would purchase a couple shirts or some shoes, perhaps. Nope,Daddy thought that money would be much better spent on some tiny corduroys and other miniature items for Lil’ A.

LA’s  first words were Baba and Dada, both meaning father.  I want to be jealous, but I can’t. Big A is a great parent deserving of those honorary first words . He is completely proactive and aggressive in his love. Daddy has discovered some of LA’s favorite videos on youtube and  enjoys them more   just as much.  I’ve watched him in amusement encourage our little joy as early on as tummy time. When LA fussed about the uncomfortable exercise, it was Dad at eye level chanting “You can do it, you can do it!” and do it he did. After Dad’s long day at work, LA greets him with shrieks of excitement as if they’re  long lost friends reuniting for the first time in 10 years.! Seeing those two together is always one of the sweetest parts of my day.

Today I salute the most diaper-changing,  blackberry-oatmeal stirring, pump-part-sterilizing, funny-sound making, encouraging, Daeddy we know!

 

One of their favorites!

to take a walk outside and not focus on the calories burned, but the time spent in the sunshine

to not complain about the heat, because in about 3 months the cold will return

to glance in the eyes of my son more than the glare of the computer

to work on me more than I work on my “job”

to live in this moment , in this season, because as much as I prayed for this season to change, I never get to return to this exact moment that I live in right now

to not take myself so seriously

to not be afraid of crossing the first goal off my list because I know if one can happen, then surely all 10 can

to rejoice and celebrate with others, because their success is worthy of fireworks

to stop focusing on the lack of generosity in others and seek more ways I can give

to not do so much, but instead…be